i can't stand the suspense!

so far we are swine flu free. but i know it's coming. odds are, noah will get it at school and bring it home to share. i'm not too worried about him. it's nat getting it that freaks me out. besides the crazy respiratory troubles it's supposed to bring, she probably will stop eating like she does whenever she gets sick and any ground i gained in these last two months will be lost.

i've called around asking if anyone has the vaccine, but there have only been a couple of clinics where you have to stand in line for hours on a saturday. and even then, they'd only have something for noah. not nat, so the line wouldn't be worth it. (i dunno why they only offer vaccines for kids ages 2-9 and then tell you how scary it can be the younger you are.) especially because i'd be in the line for hours with two of them all by myself. no thank you.

so although noah has still been going to school, i haven't been doing much else with them. our disneyland passes are completely going to waste because on days i would usually take them i've decided to stay home instead. besides a couple of playdates, nat's world is currently confined to our backyard, well disinfected shopping carts and a fairly empty park or two where i put a disinfecting wipe in her hand which she will switch between the hands as she plays thereby disinfecting without really knowing she is. she loves to clean things, so she'll sometimes use the wipe to wipe down the whole playground structure. kids who come after us are pretty lucky, i think.

even with the precautions, i'm fairly certain we won't be able to dodge the bullet forever, unless we get the vaccine first. so every time one of them sneezes or coughs or sniffles, i think "this is it. i'm not sleeping for the next two weeks." and by the end of the day noah will be telling me "stop touching my head, mommy!" because i will have checked for a fever every half hour.

i know even with the scary stories, my kids will probably be ok even if the dreaded h1n1 visited us. at the same time, i just can't afford it right now. i can't afford the time, energy or sleep. i haven't shared much here, but "we" are escrowing for our first home right now (long story, probably won't share here because it's family stuff but we are buying from family to help them out but to cut costs we are not using an agent....which means i get to do all that fun stuff!), i'm applying noah to schools in two different countries because we don't know where we will be next fall when he needs to start kindergarten, there is the BIG MOVE BACK TO HAWAII coming up, the holidays are coming with most of the gifts needing to be mailed out this year and oh yeah, i still have sole parent duty stuff to do every day. plus, with christmas looming and business not going so great as of lately, my parents are stressed about how they will do this holiday season which means there is less of them to go around and i don't want to contribute to their exhaustion.

it's not that bad. usually i'm FINE. there are even moments when i'm immensely grateful and happy that i have such a full life. but. there are also days where i find myself in the car alone running a quick errand while my mom is at home with natty napping. i think to myself how easy and wonderful it would be to just keep driving. to forget the errand and drive up to san francisco or down to san diego and check into a hotel and just lie on the bed ALONE in the QUIET for 24 hours. but i don't.

anyway, that's why i'm so scared of the swine flu. the end.

you better watch out

the flu was here. no, not the piggy flu--thank goodness, because our natty would definitely be one of those that would have to go to the hospital--but the old fashioned kind. natty and i had our shots, but i was kinda late in getting noah his.

he must have picked up the germs the day of or right before because the day after his flu shot he started to get the sniffles. then a fever. then the barfing. i know, it sounds like swine flu, but we've been assured it isn't because the doctor said "he doesn't look sick enough." i wanted to argue that maybe he did have it, just a case where his body was fighting back really well. but they were really busy, and natty was crying and noah kept asking if he was getting another shot, and well, i decided to keep my mouth shut. i figured that if it was the swine flu, then natty and i already have it anyway and at least this way he's been vaccinated in a way.

during the day it was fine, but at night noah's nose got all stuffed up and he couldn't sleep. and if he was awake so was everyone else because he kinda screamed with frustration because he couldn't "breaf with my nose!!!" "i will die!" he said. and the screaming made the baby really unhappy too. and we were all grumpy during the day when noah could nap just fine with his mouth closed. this inability to breath through his nostrils seemed to only happen at night in his bed. i don't think he was completely faking. i think there were a couple of nights where he probably was a little stuffy and it was annoying. but i babied him and let him stay up with me, and now he's at the brink of death every night.

i am not enjoying this new battle to get him to go to sleep every night. i am going to have to start putting my foot down. being the single parent i am right now however, i plan to use Santa Clause as part of my foot putting down plan. you know, the whole "uh oh. santa is watching." thing.

see, we've been dying to get a Wii. dying. but we've put it off because when we borrowed it from a friend once, noah tried to play and he couldn't get the concept of having to point the wand at the sensor. it frustrated him and there was so much throwing of the wand with crying that i called my friend up a few days later and told her to come pick it up. but, he doesn't have that problem anymore and there's been a recent price cut on them, and well, everyone else has one. so that's what Santa is bringing us. it didn't seem to phase noah that santa has chosen the gift for him choosing his own. in fact, i think he was amazed at how perfectly santa knew what his heart desired. and hence, the threat of santa dropping off a lump of coal instead of the Wii is very powerful stuff, i imagine.

the silver lining is that because he's sleeping later, he's getting up later. why, up until last week before all this nostril being stuffed up madness, he popped up like a jack in the box every. single. morning between 5:30 and 6. but, now he cries "mommy, wake up!" (seriously, that's what i wake up to every morning. i'm gonna pay him back when he's a teenager and just walk into his room yelling "noah wake up!" at the top of my lungs on weekend mornings.) at 7 ish! i'm telling you, that is a miracle in my life. 7! that's like, almost normal.

and yes, just like last year, i've brought up christmas even before halloween has passed.....again. sorry. it's just that i really REALLY like that time of year. and this year it's just something that i hope comes soon because although captain j won't be home yet, it'll mean mere weeks until he does come home for good.

AND there will be snow. i love hawaiian christmases, which means that it's probably a nice 74 degrees instead of summer's 78, while we sing carols and unwrap presents. but, i have to admit it kind of gives me butterflies to imagine that we might actually celebrate the way it was meant to be. all huddled together in sweaters before a fire. i'm planning to take the kids and coax some family to a cabin at big bear mountain after a good snow. noah's never seen it before.

but yes. first. halloween.

onward ho!

i guess i caused some concern with the mention of introducing a one year old to twinkies and micky-Ds. fear not my friends. she HATED twinkies and mcdonalds anything. and you know what? it was interesting to me how awful and fake twinkies tasted. i hadn't had one in ten years and i bought a pack and bit into it enthusiastically because i remember them being really good. then she watched me spit it out, because yuck. she did stick a finger in the cream and lick it. then she wiped her hands on her shirt and walked away.

so.

i decided to do things her way. i've expanded her menu with: natural peanut butter on butter crackers, hormone free ham, suhlungtang (a thick korean beef soup), and other meat soups, fruit that she loves with home made whip cream, nuts (peanuts/cashews/pine), other korean fatty fish that i don't know the name of but my mom brings it home from the korean store now, stuff like korean pancakes and jun fried in lots of olive oil, rice mixed with sesame oil (with a little salt, seaweed and some teeny friend and seasoned anchovies made into little rice balls perfect for her teeny hands) and get this, she loves crab legs dipped in butter. oh, and she'll eat whole legs of the Korean Fried Chicken from the chain from the motherland, BBQ (stands for Best of the Best Quality Chicken. they fry it in Olive oil. it's really good stuff man. i could never go back to KFC now.) most of the non korean stuff is from trader joe's. i don't know what i'm going to do without them next year. they aren't in hawaii yet. they have such good things for so cheap.

she was already and is still getting 1 to 2 pediasures a day, one serving of yobaby yogurt a day and all the milk she wants to drink plus lots of seaweed, veggies and fruit. i have to admit that the increase in variety has made things a little more fun -- although it's a pain to have to buy so many different things now.

she will NOT eat eggs. not boiled, not fried, not scrambled, or poached. tofu has also been hard. although i've concealed it in her soups and mandoo with some success. she was also really unhappy with any kind of protein powder added drink i gave to her. but other that that, think it's going well. we'll have to see, i guess.

oh, i guess i should mention that i'm focusing on increasing her protein so much because her blood test came back indicating that she's not taking in enough. it's a little concerning because she actually loves meat and eats some at each meal. plus she drinks a fair amount of milk. at the same time, i'm hoping i wasn't giving her enough and that's why her levels were low, not because she's unable to absorb it or something.

also, we weighed her yesterday because i had to stop by the doctor's office for something. and she's actually lost 2 ounces.

i am trying not to worry.

in other news, captain j left yesterday. it was a wild two weeks for him. for me, it was really nice not to have to be in charge of ALL the baths and diapers and reading of books and feeding. this parenting thing is so much easier with a partner.

it was also pleasantly surprising how fast natty took to a guy she probably doesn't remember. it was a trip for him to see a walking talking little girl. he last saw her at 10 months. but for her, he was a stranger at first. at the airport she kind of hid behind me and resisting him picking her up. but then she saw the way her brother ran joyously into his arms and hung onto him every chance he got, and she soon enough decided that he was pretty cool after all. towards the end of the visit she preferred him over anyone except me.

there was much eating, fun and merriment. we did a trip to disneyland and a road trip to vegas which turned into a family reunion with people flying in from northern california and honolulu. it wasn't as hard to say goodbye as i thought it would be. there was some crying from noah this time. but for the most part i think we're both optimistic people. seeing as how relatively safe things have been for him so far my anxiety level has gone down. 4 more months. we agreed to power through it and end things well.

almost there.

captain j will be here in a matter of days.  DAYS!!!  he'll be here for a couple of weeks getting some much needed R and R.  i can't wait to get my arms around my hot stud muffin.

eh hem.

anyhoo.  yah.  so i have much eating and gallivanting around southern california to look forward to.  i suspect much of the eating will involve korean food because i hear they don't have much of it in iraq.  he did say that the cooks there tried to do "asian" day one day and he ended up eating salad and cereal i think.  but here we will enjoy korean bbq all you can eat, soon dubu (spicy tofu stew), jja jjang myun (noodles), my mom's kalbi and keh jang and my kochijang spicy pork ribs.  to start.  i think mexican is the next priority on his list and i think he'll be happy to find that i've found some good hole in the wall places.

the joy of eating.  isn't it wonderful?

unfortunately, for natty it's not that joyful right now.  we went in for her 18 month check up (although i forgot and she's actually 19 months right now) and she's the same weight she was at her 12 month check up and at her 16 month check up.  she's still in 9 month clothing.  i swore i thought she felt heavier.  and the thing is, it's not that she isn't eating.  sure she has her picky days.  but she also has days when she eats more than her brother at a meal, or constantly eats all day.  after her 16 month check up her doctor did say that if her weight didn't significantly improve by the next appointment, i'd have to get some tests done on her and come in often for weight checks.  so actually, i've been giving her one pediasure a day and huge chocolate chip cookies for snacks.  and to me, it looked like it was working.  she got a bit taller and a lot heavier (i thought.)  i guess i was wrong.

yesterday they took her blood.  to check of anemia, lead and other stuff.  i came home with instructions to feed her high calorie things.  i went to the grocery store and filled my cart with cookies, sara lee pound cake, avocados, salmon, butter, white cream bread, cream cheese carnation instant breakfast mix, ice cream, chocolate, pudding, bacon and olive oil.  mission fatten up the baby is ON.

one suggestion was to leave out a nibble tray.  a tray with small portions of foods with high calories for her to graze on throughout the day.  another was to mix butter or olive oil into all of her food somehow.  so today i've prepared the tray with little finger food slices of pound cake, a chocolate cookie, and some potato chips.  she's getting fried rice with bacon, onions, potatoes, zucchini and like half a stick of butter in it for lunch with pediasure in a sippy cup.

i have to admit though that as i'm fixing her food, my mind just keeps screaming "this is so wrong!"  it just feels so wrong to feed her so much fat and junk, which is why she has such a hard time eating it right now.  she prefers the food i worked hard at getting her and noah to like.  fish soups, fish (all kinds), seaweed, veggies, whole wheat bread (noah used to refuse a sandwich on white bread because he thought something was wrong with the bread), korean dried anchovies (she'll eat these on it's own straight on of a fridge, much like other kids eat chips), curry and mandoo.  yesterday i offered her some potato chips.  she good naturedly took one, took a bite, set it down and walked to the fridge to ask for an anchovy.  sigh.

which means i'm trying to figure out how to add fats to foods that she's already eating.  hence, the modified friend rice.  it tastes pretty good so i think she'll eat it.  tonight i'm thinking of making her some oxtail soup but leaving it fat in it instead of skimming it off.  but really.  that just feels soooooooo wrong.

hopefully she'll have gained a couple of pounds instead of a mere couple of ounces by next month.  they are having me bring her in once a month to check her growth.  if things don't improve the next step will be to see an endocrinologist.  i'm sure she's ok.  it's just that noah was always so healthy and big and strong.  looking at her teeny tinyness sometimes worries me.  what if there is something wrong?  what if that's why she was teeny tiny in my tummy making them take four ultrasounds to make sure she was growing?  what if that's why she came early?  

those are just vague brief thoughts as i go about my day though.  i'm sure she's ok.  i guess it's time to introduce her to some mcdonald french fries.  maybe that'll open those flood gates.

i'm baaaaack

but then again, maybe you never noticed i was gone.  i sure didn't.  i can't believe it's been so long.

time is finally flying by.  it's a good thing.  it's like we've crested a big hill and i can finally feel the momentum pulling us down.  

captain j has what he says are definite dates for his R and R (army talk for vacation).  in less than a month i will have my beef cake back.  eh hem.  

age 4 for noah IS turning out to be truly magical.  let's talk about how much i LOVE impulse control.  people!  that was the problem the whole time.   

but then natty is turning up the heat, so it all evens out again.  she's the one refusing to sit for any meal or in any shopping cart/stroller/highchair.  she has discovered that SCREAMING for what she wants works with grandma and grandpa.  she says "no!" with all the authority she can muster with her little self.  and she's doing that thing where she purposely throws things when she doesn't want it.  it's ok when it's a plush toy.  not so ok when it's an open container of chocolate pudding.

as for me, the month of august has been the month of malls.  to beat the heat and for some variety, i've been touring the various malls of southern california and orange county.  i love the South Coast Plaza in costa mesa, but oh my, i visited The Grove yesterday in West LA, and let me tell you it's AMAZING.  besides huge elaborate fountains everywhere, it had every store i could think of, plus stores i'd never seen like a full on American Girl place.  i have no idea what that is all about yet, but i think with natty already carrying dolls around and trying to feed them her food, i will soon enough.  oh.  and i went into their barnes and nobles and my jaw dropped open.  it was three stories of wonderful bookness.  the selection made me salivate and wish i didn't have a toddler who didn't want to wait quietly in the stroller with me.  it's so sad that it was over an hour drive for me.  you people who live near there are very lucky.

other accomplishments this summer?  i've memorized the Wicked soundtrack.  i've made my way through my Netflix queue.  i've learned the mafia wars, bejeweled and scramble are WAY too addicting.  i've read all the books that was supposed to last me a whole year.  oops.  gosh, i sound like i totally neglect my kids and just watch movies, play on the computer and read the whole day.  but i promise you and my korean mother who always points out that i should be using my time more wisely that all this got done during natty's nap while noah was at school, or after they've gone to sleep for the night.  well, except the memorizing of Wicked.  that happened during car rides to the malls.  see?  i AM using my time wisely.

now that we're halfway through this deployment and pretty settled, i'm finally starting to look ahead.  three years in korea is still definitely on the table.  but so is getting out completely and setting up house back in honolulu.  there have been some intense discussions over skype that end with "well, we don't have to decide now.  let's think about it."  and you know, we don't have to decide now.  we're going to think about it.  then again, being in the military means that they take care of you, but you have less choice (probably what all those people against this health care reform thing are worried about, but that's a whole 'nother post.  and in case you're wondering, my parents don't have health care because they have preexisting conditions and it's too expensive, so i think you know where i stand on this issue.) so all this discussing might be actually over something moot because they might demand something entirely different.

we'll see.

peeved, but should i be?

noah has been attending VBS (vacation bible school) at our church for the past three days.  in hawaii, we had vbs during the day with field trips and stuff, but here it's expected to take place in the evening with dinner and games.  at first, i thought it was weird to have that kind of activity at night, but it's been wonderful.  i can see how it's a helpful ministry to parents.  you drop off your kid(s) and they are fed, enriched and spiritually stimulated, while you go on a date, or in my case, to the mall or to the movies.  i'm sad it came to an end last night.  

on thursday night, i figured out that i could catch a screening of the newest harry potter movie if i dropped him off a wee bit early.  i calculated that i'd get out just in time to pick him up.  

C happened to be one of the teachers, so i dropped him off with her and booked it to the theater, which was kind of full, but it's always easy to find a spot of one.

anyways, at the ticket booth, i took out my money and military ID like i always do at the movies.  i never really know how much i save, but ever since i've had my ID, i've slipped it under the window to receive the discount they usually have for us military folk.  instead of receiving my ticket however, the long limbed teenage boy behind the counter lamely told me "sorry, we don't have anything for military."  

wha?  it seriously took me a minute to process what he said.  it was so unexpected.

eventually, i said "really?" as i took back my ID and he took my money and charged me for the regular general admission amount.  then suddenly  "that's horrible!" popped out of my mouth as i took the ticket and entered the theater.  as i bought my popcorn and found my seat, i wondered what i meant by "that's horrible!" seriously, it was a completely uninhibited reaction. 

part of me wanted to talk to the manager immediately and demand to know why they didn't have a military discount.  none of the other theaters that i've been to in southern california had decided it wasn't an important thing to have.  i wanted to know what made this theater decide that giving a military discount wasn't something they wanted to do. 

but then i wondered if i had any case at all.  i mean, it's a discount.  they don't HAVE to give one if they don't want to.  and what makes me so special anyway?  just because my husband is in iraq?  how would they know that anyway?  there isn't a big military population in the area, so maybe the discount doesn't get taken advantage of often enough.

in the end, i just let it be.  i was curious about the reason for the military being left out of the usual discount list of seniors and students, but i didn't have enough time to approach anyone.  and it felt funny to be so offended for not getting a couple of bucks shaved off.  

i don't know though.  if i find myself back at that theater often enough, i might approach someone just to ask WHY.  

oh, and just in case you are a member or dependent of the military and want to know which theater it is, it's the Brea Stadium theaters on Birch St.

the days of the week

oh, it's so sad. natty doesn't nurse anymore, but she requests to see my boob once in awhile. when i lift up my shirt, she squeals like she's seeing a long lost friend, and then she closes her eyes, sticks her thumb in her mouth and cuddles up against it. this weaning business hasn't been easy. she'll wake up in the middle of the night and cry in frustration because she's lost the thing that would help her sleep. but, she has been eating more and drinking a ton more milk, which is what i was going for.

i wish she hadn't been biting at every nursing session, and i wish she'd have taken the hint and dropped her feedings gradually so that only her bedtime feedings were left. i would totally have not had a problem nursing her at night for another year. ah well. 'twas not meant to be.

and 4 does seem to be a magic number for noah. i was told that he would mellow out at 4. i wouldn't say he's mellowed out exactly, but he's definitely developing some impulse control (thank the Lord!) and just starting to care more about others. now it's natty that's the problem when we go out to restaurants to eat or to the park. she WON'T sit in a high chair ("no! no!" she says in her itty bitty voice with a firm shake of the head), and she WON'T eat off of her own plate because the same thing on yours looks so much better. she WILL squeal and wiggle until you just have to let her down onto the ground, and which point she's off and running.

i know, typical one year old stuff. what did i expect right? yeah, but even if you know something is coming, doesn't make it easier as it's happening.

now my week looks like this:

monday: get up, have breakfast together, get noah dressed and off to school, dress natty and play for a bit, put her down for a nap, leave her in the care of my ummah as i head out for my 3 hours of ME time (usually to shop, read magazines at a book store, have lunch with a friend or watch a movie), get back and take a ready to go natty out into the yard or to a park to play so my ummah can have HER me time, pick up noah, play, help get dinner on the table, feed, give baths, get jammies on, brush teeth, get on the computer while they play with toys, read books (two each), say prayers, sleep (them), tv (for me), a couple hundred rounds of bejeweled blitz, sleep (for me.)

tuesday: same thing, except this is my parent's day off so it's more of an adventure day. we'll all spend part of the morning cleaning and organizing the house together. then i'll tag along to the jewelry district in downtown LA, or an outlet, or Korea town. there's is usually a yummy lunch and lots of help with natty. i get back in time to pick up noah and dinner, bath, play, books, prayer, sleep, tv, bejeweled blitz, sleep is the same.

wednesday: mom and dad work all day, so it's pretty quiet. i usually get errands done, grocery shop and cook on this day. i'll cook some banchan (korean side dishes), make something yummy for dinner, and cook up some things for the kids to snack on (cupcakes, cookies, fried rice, chicken long rice...), then off to pick up noah and dinner, bath, play, books, prayer, sleep, tv, BB, sleep.

thursday: i've gotten most of my pressing things done yesterday, but i usually have some things i've got to get done during natty's nap like, pay bills, rotate toys in toy room, sort through kids clothes that are getting too small, wash the car, write social emails....stuff like that. my mom might get home earlier if business isn't that brisk. she'll take over and finish off the dinner i started while i keep the kids entertained.

friday: knowing that noah will be home for the two days during the weekend, i feel a bit of pressure to get done things that i might not be able to do with two kids in tow. this is the day i tend to buy gifts to wrap and hide before noah gets home, tidy up the patio and yard to prep for weekend use, make purchases that take lots of thought and time (clothes shopping, electronic purchases) and i try to get in a decent amount of online time because when i'm alone with noah and nat, i've found that it's best to just focus on them and not even try to join cyber world.

saturday: is "no hakgyo (school) day!" as noah says. we usually laze around in the morning and i let noah watch some tv. hey, that was my favorite part of saturday mornings. we'll usually wander out into the yard/patio at some point to check on our garden and the kids play while i read or play with them. we might have playmates over at this point. i serve lunch around 12, and try to get them down to a nap around 1. after our siesta, i usually take them for some sort of outing. when it was cooler, we went to the park a lot. but now that it's baking outside during that time of day, we go anywhere there's air conditioning. this may include your house. but it's mostly target or barnes and nobles. weekends are busy for my parents, so i usually figure out dinner. because i'm out, i usually buy something quicker. then, dinner and the rest is the same.

sunday: church day. get up, get breakfast, get gussied up and head out to church. i usually grab lunch on the way home after church and we eat in front of a dvd kid movie before all crashing together for a nap. but last week, we went over to the church friends house where young families like ours gathered together for lunch. it was fun. we might make that more of a regular thing. whether we're at someone's house or our own, sunday afternoon play is usually more peaceful. we've gotten the wild, yelling kind of play out of the way the day before, and all the joyful praising at church has helped to make us ready for gentler fun. then, dinner and the same.

and then it starts all over again. seriously, if you know what day of the week it is, you'll know what i'm up to.