so THAT'S what a book fair is.

i somehow ended up chairing the book fair at noah's preschool this week. we got a letter from the school asking for volunteers. i called the school to volunteer. turned out i was the only volunteer. i got more volunteers myself and voila, the book fair went on as scheduled.

problem was, until the book fair cases and books arrived the day before and the couple of parents that knew what to do showed up, i had no idea what a book fair even looked like. it was too late to send me to a training, and there were some pictures that came in the chair person's packet i was given, but i still showed up a little lost as to how i was going to direct something i didn't really know about.

enter two moms who knew their stuff and we were off and running. the cases opened up with books already loaded in them, and we decorated a few tables and unpacked even more boxes of books to display. all that was left was to learn how to use that sliding credit card thingy.

a "book fair" turned out to mean that scholastic sends a bunch of books to your school and you make a little, functioning book store and your schools gets a certain percentage of the amount made at the end. yay, for books!

we've been doing pretty well. we have today to go and i should be more humble, but i have to saw that we've already beaten any old record sale amounts. and i'm so surprised at how productive i feel after i come home. it makes me miss working.

the only thing that makes me feel bad about the whole thing is that noah gets to school at the earliest time possible, so i can open up the book fair. and then he's the last kid out because i have to stay to close up the fair. that means he's at school 7 to 5, which he's never done before. it doesn't seem to be affecting him though. but still, i feel like he's away from me too much during the day.

and poor natalie. she's stuck at my hip in a sling for the duration of the book sale hours. she interacts with other people, falls asleep snuggled against my chest, and looks for ways to knock things down, all from the sling. tomorrow i'm going to give her some valuable crawl around time and just let her be all day.

all in all, i'm really enjoying it. it's the first time i'm really getting to talk to parents, both other volunteers and parents who are buying books. we are truly a diverse school with people from ALL walks of life. i am learning not to assume anything. parents who i thought were younger than me, turned out to be almost ten years older. a parent who i assumed might be having a hard time financially, turned out to be the head of internal security at a consulate. a parent who i assumed was born and raised here, turned out to be missing her home on the mainland. a parent who i assumed would be too busy to help out, turned out to be the most generous of all. i feel bad for having made all of these assumptions. but it's hard, when you only have so much time, you make quick judgments and move on. maybe if i'm humbled enough, i can tame this part of me.

i've just popped back home to premake some dinner before getting back to man the cash box during the afternoon rush to pick up the kids. so must get to it.

it's amazing how fast the days slip by. soon enough, i'll be closing up the book fair, making the final calculations, serving dinner, washing up the dinner dishes, giving the kids their baths, getting them to sleep and then enjoying a bowl of ice cream with my feet up watching Grey's. not a bad day ahead....

things are starting to unravel

i don't think you ever know until you know. i mean you don't know what it's like to go through something, anything, until you go through it. granted we try our best to understand each other and imagine what it's like, but that's the best we can do, imagine.

i know now what it's like to get ready for living a life during your husband's deployment to a war zone. i don't know yet what it's like to live out that year, but i will soon.

captain j hasn't gotten his deployment orders yet, but he has gotten his orders to come home. i know. not quite efficient, but we always shrug and say "that's the army." and leave it at that. in any case, it looks like he'll be leaving soon after the start of the new year. it's nice that he'll spend the holidays with us, but his impending absence from a year of our lives is already looming.

we knew this would happen when we signed up. i say "we" because i have to admit responsibility too. he signed the contract while we were married, and only after i'd finally consented to go in that direction. of course he had to spend long conversations convincing me because we were in the midst of a war and i just couldn't understand why we would choose such a path. but he wanted to help people, and there's a lot of people in the military that needs help. and there was that thing about not wanted to live under the control of his parents and their money. he wanted to provide for us on his own and this was one way.

so we knew this was coming. but....still, that doesn't mean i like it.

i didn't know how i'd swing violently back and forth between wanting the time to go by fast and wanting time to slow down, please. i didn't know i'd bite my tongue and not say things i'd normally say out of irritation because i didn't want to start a fight and waste the time we had together. i didn't know that i'd feel so horrible about his losing a year of our children's lives, and the kids living a whole year without their father.

adding to the difficulty is our different ways of dealing with it. captain j prefers not to talk about it and should he have to talk about it, he is way way optimistic. i however, am one of those worst case scenario people. i need to constantly run through the whole "what's the worst that could happen" and hash it out to feel better. i like to know that no matter what i'll be ok.

worst case scenarios:

captain j comes back injured. worst case scenario of this scenario is that he's lost two arms and two legs. this is actually the best of the worst case scenarios, because HE'll still be with us. we'll have his mind and soul and he'll still be able to work and participate in our lives. his work as a psychologist doesn't require limbs so he won't lose that.

captain j comes back with some degree of mental illness, or brain injury. this one is harder, just because it won't be HIM anymore. at least that's the way i see it. we've talked about this and i've decided that as long as he's safe, i will take care of him and do what needs to be done. but if there is any bit of violent behavior he can't help, i'll have to find him a place to live and we'll visit lots. (i know, sounds sad, but this is worst case scenario people, let's hope it doesn't happen.)

moving on. probably the worst one.....captain j does not come back. i'll be ok in the sense that i'll keep going. my kids are worth giving life my all. but that's as far as i get with this one. i can't imagine a world without him. so, i just tell myself that should this scenario happen, i will be ok....somehow.

i'm sure there are many other bad scenarios. why, just writing this out made me think of several more like, what if he has an affair over there (not the type at all, but i'm a realist too.), or what if he comes home alive, just in a coma for the rest of his life......i gotta stop.

it's not pretty over here right now, with all the teething and three year old tantrums and the dooms day thinking and all. my goal is to make this the best holiday season EVER with my little family (no pressure or anything) because that's how he wants it. i gave him the option of us going to his family home for the holidays, but he decided he wanted it to be just us, warm and cozy having a Hawaiian Christmas. so that's what we'll do.

He must know...

So, he must know now. President Elect Obama, must know whether there really are aliens, a ministry of magic or whether there's a earth destroying meteor headed our way now that he's been "briefed". i mean, he knows now, whatever there is to know, you know? and it just tickles me for some reason.

i wish i knew.

celebrate!!

america, i am so very very proud of you! you made a wise and brave decision today. thank you very much!!

This is the day

that the lord has made......for some reason that sunday school song keeps ringing through my head. i really feel like it's true. i have all the confidence that mr. obama will be he next mr. president, but even if mr grumpy old pants some how eeks out a victory, just the fact that i got to stand up and say that i wanted someone like obama to be my president really moves me.

i just got back from voting. i was amazed at how emotional i felt as i bubbled in the large ovalish bubble next to Barack Obama's name. i kept checking and rechecking, mostly to make sure i filled in the right oval, but also because i couldn't believe i was really seeing his name there on the ballot. i never knew a moment could actually FEEL historic as it was happening until today.

the TV will be on all day today in our home. we're the last time zone, so the advantage is that we'll get to see most of the action because we have to go to bed. i'm trying to think of a creative election day dinner. but i also plan to stock up on dessert and snacks just in case it gets close and it gets to be a long night.

let's go BLUE!

This night.

They are finally asleep. Time to dig thru the candy and hide most of it away for ME.

mwahahahaha!

hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!!