Mele Kalikimaka!

numbah one day of christmas my tutu (hawaiian for grandma) gave to me

one mynah bird in one papaya tree

numbah two day of christmas my tutu gave to me

two coconuts and one mynah bird in one papaya tree

numbah three day of christmas my tutu gave to me

three dried squids, two coconuts and one mynah bird in one papaya tree

numbah four days of christmas my tutu gave to me

four flower leis, three dried squids, two coconuts and one mynah bird in one papaya tree

numbah five days of christmas my tutu gave to me

five big fat pigs! four flower leis, three dried squid, two coconuts and one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

wherever you are, whether in 5 feet of snow or warm balmy weather like us, we wish you a very merry christmas!

the uniform is more than sexy

a few years ago, captain j and i went to a near by military supply store to get his first set of uniforms in preparation for boot camp. we got home and he immediately put it on. we giggled. we weren't used to it and it felt like he was playing dress up. i thought out loud that i apparently didn't have a thing for uniforms because it was doing nothing for me, and then he put it away hoping that when he got to boot camp someone would show him how to wear everything before he embarrassed himself.



after boot camp, came the move to hawaii where he had his first real position. we were flung into the military life, which means we saw the uniform everywhere, all the time. captain j goes to work in full uniform every work day. i shop and eat at places where about half the people are in uniform. it's become everyday to us.



in the beginning, i could tell captain j was self conscious whenever we went to a civilian public place and he was in uniform. but over the course of two years, that thought has nearly disappeared. we often wander around with him in uniform in places where he's the only one. so we get surprised now by some of the reactions to his uniform.



first, i think it's valuable to note that there hasn't been one negative reaction. not one. well, unless you count kids. they get anxious around him sometimes, and noah doesn't understand why. he tells them "don't cry. that's just my daddy." when i tell him that the kids are crying because they are scared of daddy's uniform. other than that, the reactions have been only positive. the ones we talk about are the ones that are TOO positive.



captain j was in a grocery store once and a random guy asked for his autograph. we got a good chuckle out of that one. there are people who spontaneously and suddenly look at him and say "thank you!" very loudly. there have been people who just walked over and handed captain j cookies or candy with a smile. one lady even applauded for him (i guess) really near his face out of no where. and then, there are the people who gives us extra perks just because they see my man in his army gear.

like, when we were flying out of LAX in october. we checked in only to find that the line to get through the security check was a mile long. i kid you not. people were complaining that they slowly made their way to the front in a journey that took over an hour. we considered ourselves lucky, because if you have babes in strollers, you take an elevator upstairs and bypass about 2/3 of the line. but still, there was disneyland ride style waiting going on. we were patiently waiting, when all of a sudden, a guy in the black and white TSA uniform loudly said "sir! sir!" while looking at my husband in uniform. when we looked, he gestured that we should step through to the front of the line. we kind of looked around to make sure he was talking to us, then timidly walked forward, embarrassed and wondering how we came about this good fortune when there were others with babies in line too. then it clicked. captain j was in uniform. suddenly, his uniform was very sexy to me.

honestly, when this stuff happens, it's humbling. we don't feel different than anyone else. we're just trying to get through life too, and it just so happens that right now captain j has a uniform that he has to wear to do it. at the same time, whenever that sort of thing happens, i feel the weight of expectation from people. what captain j is doing isn't JUST a job. even though i feel like he goes to work for the paycheck and other good things that come from being employed, it's times like these that i'm forced to see what other people see. that captain J is doing this for the benefit of the people who have volunteered to be the human barrier from danger for our country (whether they're actually being used for this purpose right now, i agree, is questionable...but still, that's their purpose). everyday he goes to work and helps our soldiers and families DEAL with life during this war. he will be doing the same on a way more intense level while being there himself soon........ i am amazed by how well he handles all that he does. there is just so much to do and not enough him, and yet he comes home with a smile on his face, ready to do his part in this family. he does a good enough job at home, that sometimes i forget what he's hearing at work.

anyways, all this is to say, that although i was a reluctant military wife, i am fast becoming one incredibly proud of her man and all the other men and women in uniform. Whether they are in it for the money or education, even if it was their individual choice to commit, they did so knowing that some sort of danger they did not have to face was inevitable. they are taking one for the team. even so, it's sometimes strange to be thanked when there are so many others who do difficult things in our society too.

we have 3 or so weeks left. it would drive me crazy to dwell on that, so i find that i don't. instead, i kind of skip over the year in my brain when i think about our life together. 2009 will happen. i've set some lofty goals for myself to keep busy and help the time past (will share soon.) and if the speed at which 2008 pass is any indication, soon enough, i'll be talking about getting back to "normal" life (well, as normal as you can get when you have 4 months back home before a move to another country coming up) when we are warm and cozy, back together again.

and yes, after the LAX incident, i have joked that captain J should wear his uniform everyday, ALL the time. i mean, would it work at baskin robbins, during black friday and at disneyland? that would totally rock.

oh dear. oh my.

i'm still here. just not commenting or writing much. there's been precious little time. the living room is littered with a mix of moving boxes half filled and christmas gift wrap stuff, captain j is gone (AGAIN!) for almost a week, first noah then natalie succumbed to an evil evil cold that comes with scary high fever that needs both tylenol and advil to control~coughing~lots of stuff from the nose~and general all around discomfort which means NO sleep for me, lots of christmas events i want to do well because i'm either saying goodbye to people or it's noah's first experience with it and i want him to have good memories and it's the christmas before deployment for captain,

(deep breath in)

trying to figure out when best to ship the car, mail boxes off ahead of time and fretting about getting airplane tickets when captain j doesn't even have his tickets yet, keeping house semi clean because people keep dropping by, keeping kids fed and clothed and from smelling, trying to find a christmas tree just the right size, getting christmas cards and letters out, worrying about noah's preschool in january, fielding calls from the mom and mother in law about kids' gifts and general worries they have about EVERYTHING(!), trying to find the perfect gift for everyone i love....

and a partridge in a pear tree.

then again, i know that all of this is not unusual for the life i and other mommas lead. i know we are all running around like a chicken with no head (and maybe a missing leg) too.

and then there are moments that make everything stand still and not matter. like a week ago (that's how long i've been wanting to write this post), natalie turned to me when i came into to sight from another room and said "ummah" and crawled towards me. captain j had to scrape my blubbering melty mushy self off the floor.

but the moment passed quickly. now she says "ummah" with almost the same intensity and just as often as noah. which means now i have two little voices chirping after me. how can something so sweet, grate on you so? i can't even pee without one of them calling for me.

christmas is less than 2 weeks away. that means the new year is 3 weeks away and our move across the ocean is 3 1/2 weeks away. (wild laughing)

ahem.

i'm fine. i promise.

and it's a go.

finally got real honest to goodness orders today. the pieces of papers stapled together that tell you where to go and when. the rumors were right. the date we were guessing was correct.

i am going out to buy some boxes today to start the packing.

after the holidays...

i know, i know. the christmas season has just started, so what am i talking about after the holidays for? because that's all i can think about these days. captain j's deployment date is holding steady. we STILL don't have the actual orders for him to go, but all things are pointing to mid January still.

and after much soul searching, sleepless nights and talking people's ears off, i've finally made a decision as to where noah, natalie and i will be during the year of separation. i promise. it's the final decision. it won't change. i've decided to go ahead and move us to LA to live with my parents.

i've known that this was my decision for about a week now, but it's been difficult to actually sit down and write this post about it. it's also been hard to actually tell people about it. you could say that it makes it more real. it's a mess.

captain j felt REALLY strongly that i would need some help and even little noah chimed into say that when daddy is gone (although he thinks that it'll be only for a week or so) he'd rather be at halmee and halbee's house (granny and pappy's) for that time. he's agreed (as best as he can, i guess) that he'd be ok with a new school. and he seems to know what it means because he's even checked with me to see if he'd be seeing his cousins (my cousins' kids) there are go to Disneyland with them.

i told his school's director today. we're hoping that there will be a spot for him when we get back. i've talked to their pediatrician and i've informed Savvy that i won't be able to write about honolulu for them anymore.

on a side note: of you are a blogger who lives in honolulu with a child between 2 and 6, and interested in taking over for me, please email me. my email can be found in my profile.

captain J will help us move a week before he's supposed to leave and then leave to met his people from california. i'm so relieved i won't have to move all on my own but that means that we will be on a plane with our stuff in exactly a month. ack! for all of you who believe in God, please pray for me.

and something weird has been happening on top of all of this. i have this crazy intense desire to go for #3. i know. i'm out of my mind to want to add another pregnancy into this mix.

natalie is such a good baby. she's happy and joyful. she's a good eater and sleeper. she's just such a delight. and noah is so much older now going to school and everything. yes, i'm busy....but somehow it's less intense than when i just had noah as a toddler. could be that i'm just used to sacrificing and being a mommy. or it could be that noah is finally getting easier to handle. and i really like kids. if it weren't the two difficult birth experiences, i'd definitely have at least one more. it's going through the almost dying thing last time that's allowed me to agree with captain j, my parents and his parents that two is enough.

but it's more than just wanting more babies. there's just something about the fact that captain j is going to be away for a whole year that makes me want to have his baby NOW. i used to be critical of all those young women with military husbands going around pregnant and having babies while their husbands were away. i'd think: there's enough to worry about without having a baby all on your own. why do it? and now i know. i am reminded again that it's wrong to judge. now i know that a baby growing inside me would some how keep captain J with me while he's away. there's a part of him i would keep and keep safe for him. it's sort of a weird, not rational way of trying to guarantee his return because after all, he HAS to hold his baby at the end of it. he just HAS to. everytime the baby kicks it would be a reminder that he was with me and he'll be coming back. the pull to give myself at least that is stronger than you know.

but we will not be having baby making anytime soon because captain J says it's just crazy talk and that i need to get ahold of myself. although if one thing were different, that wouldn't stop me at all. what's that one thing?

well, i would very much like another child if i knew ahead of time that child would be a girl. one boy is enough. for me. for those of you with two or several boys, yes, i know they are fun and amazing. but for me. when i think of my next one, i think of another girl. actually, i would have been happy with three or four girls. (but i still love noah and thank God for him all the time)

i've heard of all the ways you can try for one gender or another, but most of them don't really work in my experience except for the Chinese Gender Chart. i heard about it from my korean cousins who used it to make babies of one kind or another. i thought it was bunk, but checked it anyway when i found out i was pregnant and there was still a couple of months before they could tell me what i was having. it said "boy". i had a boy. cool. then, i saw three more babies born according to the chart. when it was time for natalie, i checked the chart and saw a whole bunch of "girl" months lined up and gave captain j the all clear. i swear, it's the weirdest thing that it works. i've run my own little experiment since Noah and i'm still 12 for 12. supposedly it has a 80% accuracy, but it's been a 100% accurate for me so far. lately i've boldly told my friends what they were having as soon as they told me they were pregnant, and i have been right.

anyway, back to me. the next two months are "boy" months for me. and i know, science says that it's always a 50/50 chance. but i know that if i got pregnant and had a boy, as much as i would love that boy, i would think that his gender was my doing. does that make sense? and i want a girl, so if captain j leaves as planned, there will be no baby. probably a good thing. captain j is relieved anyway.

so no baby. just packing and saying goodbye all around...... which i'm totally done thinking about for today. i'm going back into my little tent of denial and popping in the lastest movie from netflix as i eat my lunch as soon as i hit publish. i still have LOTS of time to deal. =I