accepting 2009

i'm there.

i'm finally ok with what's happening and butt is officially in gear.

until a few days ago i was in a haze of denial. i wrote lists on what i needed to get done, and i'd halfheartedly complete one or two things before i conveniently lost the list. and then i'd have to make an effort to write yet another list that wouldn't get looked at for days. it was easier just to slide into the holidays and sit in front of the tv when the kids were asleep at night eating whatever cake or pie i had in the fridge. or spend time making cake or pie, just because. or shopping. i believe in retail therapy, and found myself self medicating quite often during the days after christmas. i knew what i was doing, but i kept heading out to the mall with the excuse that i just needed to walk around. then i'd find myself in a store with a sales rack and the next thing i know, i'm in the car with bags in the trunk feeling a lot better. then again, the kids and i did need winter clothes. we are still in shorts and tank tops over here. so i guess i was just really doing a good job with one of the things to do on my list.

one morning, i tied my hair back and told myself that i will just get one closet done. when the military moves you from one post to another, it's great because they'll send people over to pack up all your stuff for you for the move (as mama nabi reminded me about what was so nice about the last move we made). but it's assumed that i'm staying here during captain j's deployment :( , which means that this move is all on our own. it's actually not too bad because we're just leaving the place as is. my brother is going to move in, so we don't really need to get rid of or move any furniture. we just need to make room for him and his wife here and there. which means sorting into four piles, everything we have, other than furniture. 1. stuff we're taking with us to california 2. stuff we don't want anymore, but is in good enough condition to donate 3. stuff that should be thrown away and 4. stuff that we're just going to organize and leave here for when we get back.

as our moving boxes, suitcases, donation bins, trash bags and storage boxes got filled, the shell i created for myself started to peel away. i discovered that i was sad. but not so sad. the year apart won't be easy but i KNOW i'll be ok. i have help with the kids, i'll have people around, and with the advances in technology, i'm sure i'll get to talk to captain j often. i can't change this. it's what has to be.

so.

ok.

since that first closet, i've moved onto whole rooms and more closets. our place isn't that big, so that sounds like a greater feat than it is. but still. it's getting done and the time is whipping by. i feel like i'm playing catch up because i let things go for awhile. like, we should have totally shipped our car by now. but with the holidays involved, that's not happening until the day before we leave. ah well. we'll rent a car for the bit that captain j is there with us, and stay home a bit more until our car does get there. no big deal.

what IS a big deal to me right now is noah's preschool. i know. again? i don't think i've written here that THE school, the coveted one called to say they have a spot in january. which means that the other school with the english class i was planning to send him to is NOT the school i'm planning to send him to anymore. the current decided upon school is a school taught in korean, and doesn't have an english speaking class. i think they work some english in for half the day in the 4 year old's classes, but noah's class will be entirely in korean. back when i was searching for preschools there for him, i worried that the whole move would be too much and that i shouldn't add a whole new language into the mix. but then i noticed how little korean he understands now. this from a kid who conversed almost entirely in korean until he started preschool. it made me sad.

when the spot came up at the most highly recommended preschool, which was also the closest preschool to where we'd be living, i realized that it might actually be a good thing for him to be immersed in korean NOW. it'd be like a shot in the arm. painful for a bit, but really beneficial for him in the long run. it was also a big deal that my cousins sent their kids their and i'd already have people i knew there who could show me the ropes for things like what to send for field trip lunches, or what the teachers expect for christmas gifts, or who best to butter up with compliments. you know, stuff that makes your life as a preschool parent that much easier.

i expect extra tantrums and tears at first. it's going to be hard for the little guy. he's living in a different state where you actually have to wear coats to go out (well, it's orange county, so maybe just when it gets dark?) and his daddy just left for a really long time AND he doesn't understand anyone or anything at school. can you imagine? but i think if i go into this knowing that it would be very natural for noah easily fall into pieces in the early part of our move, and i apply some good strategy of helping him work out his feelings like i've been reading up on, then it might be ok. and i have this secret hope that i'm just getting worked up for nothing and that noah will take to korean like it's been locked in a vault inside of him and all he had to do was simply open the door and he'll be speaking and comprehending within days. but since i told you that secret wish, it's probably not going to come true. but even if it doesn't and it ends up being really hard, you know what? i can always search for an english speaking preschool and change schools again to make things all better if i need to. and for goodness sakes, it's PRESCHOOL. i can keep him home all day with me if things get too bad, you know?

so you see, even my BIG problem, isn't that bad right now. it's all good. 2009, i welcome you with open arms.

some things i want to do this year (aka, my resolutions):

1. try my best to get rid of my mummy tummy (is the muffin top worse with moms who had c sections? grrr)

2. learn how to make my own dwen jang (korean miso) from scratch.

3. learn how to make 2 more kinds of kimchi.

4. grow a vegetable garden in my parent's back yard and eat yummy things from it. (i've been dying to have a garden, but when you live in a condo it's kind of hard. yay for an actual yard!)

5. bake my own bread. lots of different kinds. (although fresh baked bread all the time might make resolution #1 that much more difficult....)

um, that's all i have so far. with two kids, and two korean parents and the in laws that much closer to contend with, i think those will keep my plate full for awhile. we have 5 more days in this beautiful place where i've seen a rainbow every single day since i made my decision to leave for the year. i am furiously making lunch dates with friends to say goodbye, and eating the stuff i can't get anywhere else. zippy's saimin, liliha coco puffs, waipuna sushi, manapuas from island manapua factory, spicy cajun fettuccine with oriental chicken salad from ryan's grill, meat jun from gina's, portuguese sausage eggs and rice, malasadas, hawaiian sun drinks....and the list goes on and on.

oh, and thank you all for your warm words of encouragement, support and hope. i remember every one. they helped to get to this peace. i hope everyone else is enjoying a very happy new year too. and i wish you and your family heaps of happiness and good health.