the countdown begins

today i saw captain j off at LAX. we spent our final day as a family at Disneyland. when i opened my eyes yesterday morning, i wondered if it would be better to spent a quiet day at home and whether it was foolish to go to such a energy sucking place where we might not be able to focus on being together.

but i'm glad we went. it was a beautiful, perfect day. a couple of very baby savvy friends tagged along, so captain j and i got to go on a ride by ourselves. we felt giddy, and held hands on the ride. this friend, and her guy did everything they could to watch for our needs and act before we needed to ask for help. it would have been a different day without their help. much more hectic. much more filled with meeting the needs of a leaping with excitement preschooler and a curious high maintenance baby. i am so thankful. (and that new toy story ride in the california adventures park is crazy awesome!)

then when we got home, everything seemed normal but it wasn't. our glances went on for a moment longer. when we laughed about something, my laugh went a little too long as i tried to savor the feeling of laughing with someone you love just so. and when we lay down to sleep, there was no hanky panky. but there was a bit of extra holding.

this morning was filled with the usual busyness that accompanies the time right before a trip. we picked up some supplies he needed, had a big yummy breakfast (just us), he got a haircut so that he was regulation and finally finished packing. then all to soon we were off at to the airport.

noah fell asleep on the way, but i woke him up when we got close. it's always been helpful to see the person actually get out of the car at the airport. if he doesn't, he has a tendency to think that they might not have actually gone. i was surprised by his maturity. he told his dad that it's "ok" that he won't see him for a long, long time. that he'll be good. i guess some of the stuff we've been telling him along the way got through a bit.

i got out of the car to help captain j with his bags. well not really, i held the cart so he could get his bags onto them. then i turned to him, kissed him, hugged him, wished him safe travels and got back in the car. i'm not one to cry. i didn't expect to cry, and he didn't expect me to cry. it would have been weird if i did. i think it's better and easier for him to see me strong and ok with what's to come. i wanted to leave him with an image of someone who's going to be fine while he's away.

noah and i waved from the car for as long as we could see him. then noah said "daddy is going far far away to work. that is so sad." he said this in the most pitiful voice. THAT made me tear up. we talked about how he was going to help people that really needed him and how if we wait awhile daddy will come back, all the way home.

part of me still can't believe i'm actually living through this time when i have a husband deployed and i'm living a year of waiting as the sole parent to my children. this part of me is very happy that i've decided to move here with my parents. then there's the part of me that really doesn't see anything special with this separation. there are lots of couples who have to spend some time apart for one reason or another. lots of korean families send their kids to study in america with the mom, while the dad stays back in korea to work. it's not a completely good thing, but it's not entirely extraordinary. this part thinks that i've made a very big deal out of nothing by carting myself and the babies all the way over here and interrupting the quiet lives of the people we love here.

for better or for worse though, it's begun. i'm almost done unpacking. noah starts school tomorrow. and off we go.

so far, so good.

Day 1