confession time

putting myself out there like this on a blog has been a challenge for me. i like to think of myself as a frank and transparent person. what you see is what you get. i secretly think i'm too dumb to actually have some sort of secret plan or agenda when i'm dealing with people. at the same time though, i have a pretty korean side. and being asian in general means that you're taught to keep your thoughts inside, don't air dirty laundry and above all, don't make waves. i not only grew up in an asian family, but the culture i lived in growing up in Hawaii had an huge asian influence. which is probably why you won't find many bloggers from hawaii. believe me. i tried. the bloggers i did meet up with, or contact who were writing from hawaii were people originally from the mainland where the culture is more about "here's my life. deal." (i dunno, if you are from hawaii, born and raised, and blog, PLEASE do contact me because i already like you!)

this inner conflict means that although i share my life with you, i don't. there are parts i've been keeping to myself, mostly because it could cause controversy or it could disappoint. but after a few years of sharing my life here, it's hard for me to continue unless i let you in on some of the stuff i hold closer to my chest. it's either that or stop. i've decided to keep going, but i do so telling myself that i can always go back and delete these posts if it just makes me too uncomfortable that this stuff is out there.

so here are my confessions in no particular order:

1. i am a Christian. full on, born again, Christ resurrection believing, bible reading, daily praying Christian. i accepted christ at 12, and spent some time in college really soul searching about whether it's what i really believe or not. i decided it HAD to be the truth and haven't looked back since. there is a God, he loves us and this life is not the only life there is. there is an eternity that makes this life look like a mere speck in time, and that eternity is what i hope i am investing in.

2. BUT, i am not your typical Christian. this is a confession to friends i know through one church or another. and who knows how it will be taken. but i don't necessarily believe everything preached from the pulpit. i guess you could call me a liberal christian. i don't know if the bible is to be believed literally and completely and without error. i also support gay marriages (and even think there's nothing wrong with being gay. the whole point is that God wants us in a loving, monogamous relationship, not who we sleep with or maybe "when" we do it), that abortion is OK in some cases, that helping the poor eat is more important than making someone accept Christ, and that the way i relate to Christ and God is in a western frame that someone from another culture may not understand and that God knows this and might have revealed himself in some other way so that culture CAN understand and find the path to him. Christ came to prove Love, not Law.

3. i read a lot. two or three books at a time, all the time. even through law school. i read everyone and everything. but my favorite author is.... Stephen King. i've read everything he's written, and think that he's a really good writer. few are able to tell a really good story like him.

4. i have a secret fear that i might have gone to law school for nothing. although i hope to make a difference in the juvenile court system some day, being home with my children and caring for my family is so delicious right now that i don't want to even think about how to start achieving that goal.

5. i don't really listen to music anymore. at all. i know that's not cool. everyone cool listens to lots of good music. but it's just one area that doesn't interest me right now.

6. i'm not going to church right now. it's the first time in my life. i visited my parent's church a few times when we first got here, but with two little ones and having to get dressed up and the english service and korean services not matching up, it just got to be too much of a juggle during an already stressful time. so. i had it out with God and now I am at peace with not attending worship this year.

7. i was a cheerleader in high school. but i was really bad at it. i don't know why they let me on the squad, actually. and it didn't mean i was popular. honestly, the part i liked best about it was getting to wear the uniform to school on game day and finally feeling like i found a role at school. yes, so high school.

8. i want to have one more baby. but i realize that i'd be doing it for myself. if i am to put the babies i already have first, i know i shouldn't have anymore because i want to provide them with the best, which includes a private school education (hopefully my alma mater) that i wouldn't be able to afford three times, not to mention the lessons, trips, clothes and all sorts of experiences. or my time for that matter. i'm already stretched thin trying to "be there" for both and still have some sort of life for myself. i've decided to be thankful for the two i have and try to do the best i can by them.

9. my favorite food in the whole wide world is movie popcorn. with lots and lots of that fake butter. and a large icy cold coca cola. mmm mmm mmm. so bad for you, but oh so good. it's what i miss most as a mom because i don't go to that many movies anymore. i don't care what we watch as long as i have that bag of popcorn and coke in my lap when the lights go down. but that doesn't happen that often any more. i took natalie by myself when she was really little and could sleep through that kind of noise, but now that she's mobile there's no way. and it's not the same if you bring it home. i know, i tried. which means i should also confess i'm not really a healthy eater. i eat mostly korean food, which is mostly healthy. and i am allergic to msg, so all the food i make tends to be msg and nitrate free. but i eat donuts, cupcakes, and fast food whenever i want to. if it weren't for korean food, i'd be 500 pounds by now. i'm sure at some point i'll either have to stop eating this way, or just accept that fact that my kids will eat like me too once they figure out that snicker bars and cokes aren't "spicy" like i've been telling them.

10. i was a speech therapist before law school. i worked mostly with babies in the zero to three early intervention program. but i also had a soft place for children with autism and held a special discrete trial training certificate. when my babies were born, i had an intense fear that they might develop autism because in the community that helps kids with disabilities, there's sort of almost an urban legend that we have more children who are disabled because we are parents who can handle that sort of thing and in a sense, God gave them to us knowing this. There's also a sense that it would be something that i'd have to personally experience someday after watching so many other parents deal with it. so i watched for signs like a hawk and breathed a sigh of relief each time they reached their first birthday without signs. i was really able to shake the fear when noah turned 3 without incident. i'll probably watch natalie until then too, but for now, it looks like all is well.

11. i have in law issues. sigh. but, i think if you are korean or married to one, it's almost a given that you will have in law issues. sigh.

12. i feel extreme guilt right now, instead of the intense fear for my husband as some might expect. i'm almost positive that he'll be ok, so i don't worry about him as much as i thought i would. although, i do find myself turning the channel when the news comes on when i was an avid news watcher in the past. i feel guilt because while he's over there, i'm here living really comfortably right now. my parents are a big help, i have several hours during most days when natalie is napping and noah is at school to surf the web and watch korean dramas, and i'm responsible for only half the housework, which doesn't including cleaning much because we have cleaners come every other week. i am almost FORCED to take it easy and relax at home because i don't have a license to work in california. i am enjoying my time, but with lots of guilt. as penance, i've opened a korean type savings account at a korean bank here where i MUST put more than half of our income (or pay a fee if i break the agreement) so that we can have lots of money saved up at the end of all of this. the guilt would be so much worse if i were to go on spending sprees all the time, which i could so easily do if i had the money.

whew. i think that's most of what i've always wanted to say here about myself, but kept myself from saying for fear of how i may be judged. it would be interesting to know if any of my confessions changed how you see me now....even if it meant i disappointed you. i think that i've been in this blog world long enough to have develop the needed extra layer of skin to know that i really can remember the comments that resonate with me and leave behind the comments or posts that upset me.

what about you. got any confessions of your own?

*and blogger, again with the not letting me separate paragraphs for the second half of my post? annoying.