not so tuff

i slept barely 3 hours last night.  this past saturday, i caught a blurb on the news about a rocket or mortar hitting some place in the green zone.  it didn't really bother me.  they didn't exactly say anyone was hurt.  and it was the weekend, meaning i had two little munchkins to entertain all day.

then he didn't call me that day.  which isn't too unusual, except-- well, it is because unless he's away he tries to touch base with me at least once a day, if not more.  on sunday, i logged on at some point after church (um, oh yeah, remember how i said i'm not going to go to church this year?  turns out the pull is amazingly hard to resist and i've found a really great place.  anyway...) and saw that he did try skyping me.  once.  i was relieved, but still this isn't standard behavior.  he usually tries several times in case i couldn't get to the computer fast enough, and then tries my cell in case i'm out.  but he'd only tried once.

i started to get a teensy bit worried.

then monday (yesterday), my phone rings during my one "me time" allotment during the week, which i was spending watching Star Trek (so good).  i hurry out of the theater and i answer.  i recognize the weird number.  it's him.  but when i answer there's only silence on the other end.  then again, he only calls that one time.  he doesn't try again, as i wait patiently with phone in hand in the theater hallway.  i eventually go back into the movie, hoping he'll try again.  there isn't a way for me to call him back. i thought we had a deal.  if i don't pick up the first time, try again.  at least that was the rule so far.

last night, i couldn't stop the anxious thoughts.  what if there's a reason why the calling pattern changed all of a sudden?  and if something happened, i realized suddenly, i wasn't too clear how i would find out.  did someone have my number somewhere?  would someone come to my house?

i tried to fall asleep by consoling myself that no news is actually good news.  i got up to shoot him an email asking him to email me back or call when he can somewhere past midnight.  i finally fell asleep for a few hours around 3.

i woke up this morning sluggish, but made my way to my computer first thing to check my email.  he'd written back.  he says he's fine, that he'll call later.  good. okay then.  

but thinking back on last night, i had to admit that maybe i'm not as strong as i thought i was.  obviously i read too much into those missed calls.

this year can't be over soon enough.