i can't stand the suspense!

so far we are swine flu free. but i know it's coming. odds are, noah will get it at school and bring it home to share. i'm not too worried about him. it's nat getting it that freaks me out. besides the crazy respiratory troubles it's supposed to bring, she probably will stop eating like she does whenever she gets sick and any ground i gained in these last two months will be lost.

i've called around asking if anyone has the vaccine, but there have only been a couple of clinics where you have to stand in line for hours on a saturday. and even then, they'd only have something for noah. not nat, so the line wouldn't be worth it. (i dunno why they only offer vaccines for kids ages 2-9 and then tell you how scary it can be the younger you are.) especially because i'd be in the line for hours with two of them all by myself. no thank you.

so although noah has still been going to school, i haven't been doing much else with them. our disneyland passes are completely going to waste because on days i would usually take them i've decided to stay home instead. besides a couple of playdates, nat's world is currently confined to our backyard, well disinfected shopping carts and a fairly empty park or two where i put a disinfecting wipe in her hand which she will switch between the hands as she plays thereby disinfecting without really knowing she is. she loves to clean things, so she'll sometimes use the wipe to wipe down the whole playground structure. kids who come after us are pretty lucky, i think.

even with the precautions, i'm fairly certain we won't be able to dodge the bullet forever, unless we get the vaccine first. so every time one of them sneezes or coughs or sniffles, i think "this is it. i'm not sleeping for the next two weeks." and by the end of the day noah will be telling me "stop touching my head, mommy!" because i will have checked for a fever every half hour.

i know even with the scary stories, my kids will probably be ok even if the dreaded h1n1 visited us. at the same time, i just can't afford it right now. i can't afford the time, energy or sleep. i haven't shared much here, but "we" are escrowing for our first home right now (long story, probably won't share here because it's family stuff but we are buying from family to help them out but to cut costs we are not using an agent....which means i get to do all that fun stuff!), i'm applying noah to schools in two different countries because we don't know where we will be next fall when he needs to start kindergarten, there is the BIG MOVE BACK TO HAWAII coming up, the holidays are coming with most of the gifts needing to be mailed out this year and oh yeah, i still have sole parent duty stuff to do every day. plus, with christmas looming and business not going so great as of lately, my parents are stressed about how they will do this holiday season which means there is less of them to go around and i don't want to contribute to their exhaustion.

it's not that bad. usually i'm FINE. there are even moments when i'm immensely grateful and happy that i have such a full life. but. there are also days where i find myself in the car alone running a quick errand while my mom is at home with natty napping. i think to myself how easy and wonderful it would be to just keep driving. to forget the errand and drive up to san francisco or down to san diego and check into a hotel and just lie on the bed ALONE in the QUIET for 24 hours. but i don't.

anyway, that's why i'm so scared of the swine flu. the end.