george o'malley likes corn dogs

mission: get back in charge is still in effect. well, it's more like it's postponed. captain j has another couple of weeks in the U.S. before he really leaves on a plane for the middle east. he's gotten most of the stuff he needed to do done, so he asked for and got a 4 day pass and decided to surprise us for the weekend with a visit. excited! we spent yesterday hanging out and today at disneyland. so, he's here. but that not the important part.

while at disneyland's california adventure park, we waited in line for the new Toy Story ride. it's really really REALLY fun. you should go. and i'm not saying anything more about it because it's better to be surprised by it. but that's still not the important part.

we got through the line, and we asked for a "baby pass". they hand you a slip of paper so that one parent can go on, and then when that parent comes off, the other parent hands him/her the baby and then gets to go on the ride too. this means that noah gets to go on twice. which is fine by him. so, noah and captain j gets on the ride. i'm holding natalie, and this whole entourage of people arrive at the side gate of the ride. i kind of look over because i'm wondering what's so special about them. and then i think i might recognize one of the faces. i wonder if it's a guy from highschool or something. and then i GASP, because i realize he's George O'Malley (aka TR Knight) from Grey's Anatomy! that is the important part.

i marveled at how he didn't look any different and at how if someone where having some sort of medical emergency, i'd totally look to him for help. he and his people, got on the ride. then i got on with an excited noah. then we went to get lunch.

lunch was corn dogs. if you are at disneyland, by the way, you MUST try their corn dogs. they are huge and juicy (stop thinking that) and yummy. i usually don't like corndogs, but i kinda crave these. mmmmm. well, guess who likes these corn dogs too? that's right. O'Malley. he stood right behind me in the line. i kept finding an excuse to turn around, until i realized that he totally noticed me noticing him. i couldn't think of a single thing to say. my only thought was whether i could figure out a way to take a picture with him so i could post it on my blog. but i couldn't figure out how to do it without looking stupid and calling too much attention to him. he didn't look like he wanted attention. then i was walking away with my food before long.

for the most part, i was surprised at how people really left him alone. everyone around me was acting so natural, i kept wanting to ask people "do you watch grey's? do you know who HE is?" i don't know. maybe it didn't click because he was dressed so normal and acting so normal. i really don't think his face registered with people. maybe in that situation, with so many people around, you stop processing faces? i know it took me awhile before i placed him.

anyway, that was exciting.

Day 15 (i am still counting the days even if captain j is lying next to me on the couch right now, because this is all part of the experience. it's not truly over until he's home for good.)

mission: getting back in charge

things haven't been entirely happy happy since we moved in with my folks. there is some happy, but there's some been frustration too.

the frustration mainly comes from my mother and father's consistency in giving in to noah's demands. at first, it was a little extra tv and a little extra candy here and there. but it's been swirling out of control. his bedtime has been getting later and later. and tonight. tonight, the madness finally ended at 10:30 when noah finally closed his eyes after i threatened some huge mmeh mmehs. (uh, that would be spankings for you non korean speakers.) i totally lost my cool and my voice got into that evil guttural pitch as i reached for his pants. that's what finally got him into bed. he was out in mere minutes.

and then i was a heap of tears in a hot shower. the shower so that my parents couldn't hear me. the tears because i made him and myself a promise about 6 months ago to not hit him. i told him that mommy and daddy won't hit him so he shouldn't hit anyone else, and i've kept the promise so far. i'm glad i still kept it in the end. but seriously. i came THIS close.

i was upset with him, but i was also upset with my parents and uber upset at myself for letting it get this far. his schedule at home was down to bed by 8 at the latest, up around 6. a nap around 12. his bed time has been getting later and later. it all started when i willingly pushed it back to 9 because my parents don't get home from work until 7:30ish. it was fun to have him play with them while i tended to natalie. then he discovered that halbee's computer has games on it. groan.

he's had minimum exposure to video/computer games so far because i knew he'd like them. but i couldn't ignore the interest he had in computers. he was loading the dvd player on his own at one and a half for goodness sakes. so one evening i took his little hand, held it over the mouse and showed him how to point and click. he was hooked. but it was ok. i was able to keep it under control. we played things only on nickjr and playhouse disney sites, and only on weekends when the days alone with him got too long. it was a HUGE treat.

so just imagine the crazy happiness my son experienced when he discovered that his halbee let him play if he just whined loud enough while mommy was busy with baby. yah. and then imagine the kicking and screaming when i tear him away from the computer desk as halbee or halmee says "just one more game!" to me because they don't want to see their dear one cry. and then tonight, after i pulled him away and washed him and brushed his teeth and put on his jammies and sent him on his way to pick out two books to read before bed, imagine my horror when i go to look for him 10 minutes later and find him in front of halmee's tv watching the little einsteins. livid.

that was at 10. at 10:30 he was still tossing and turning, complaining and whining. trying to make deals. crying. THAT my friends, is when the crazy mmeh mmeh monster came out.

it is not continuing.

tomorrow, i am waking him around 6, whether he likes it or not. then when he gets home from school, i am going to run him ragged in the back yard, feed him dinner around 6, have him bathed and dressed in jammies by the time halmee and halbee get home. he can pal around with them for a bit, but then his little tush will be in bed by 8, so help me God.

10:30 is a crazy bed time for a kid. and that leaves ME no time at all. that means after getting him from school at 4:30, i've been wrestling with both kids for 6 hours. noah is a ball of energy who talks and talks because he's been silent for most of the day, and natalie is a sticky child who prefers to see the world from somewhere near my chest at all times. that means i haven't had hardly any time to myself all day. that's where the problem is. i wake up with them. i get noah to school, but i have natalie sticking to me all day unless she takes a nap. during the nap i do laundry, make dinner, clean and pick up the house, shop, basically do whatever i can't do while holding her in a carrier. she's up before i know it and we're rolling around on the ground together learning things, or i'm nursing her or feeding her until i go to get noah. and then, when my parents get home, they're tired and hungry. they eat, they clean up and they want to relax. i know why they want peace. and right now, the only way they can spend time with their noisy energetic grandson is to allow him what he wants. it'll only get worse and worse, but i understand why they do it. i don't blame them. they are not his parents. they shouldn't have to parent him. it's my job. and it's been hard to get in the middle and unpromise something they've promised them. that doesn't work. it just leaves everyone feeling crummy.

there will be some grumbling that they don't get to see much of him after being away from him all day. but, i will remind them that they can actually have time to relax at the end of the day and i think they'll see my view of things. i really think with tight control and planning out his activity while he's with halmee and halbee during weekday evenings is the ticket.

at least that's the plan. because ummah needs to get happy again.

Day 12

reality setting in

he cried yesterday when i dropped him off at preschool. he gripped me tightly crying "mommy! mommy!" i HATE leaving him when he's like that. in fact, half the time if he doesn't look like he wants to be at school, i just take him home. there's usually a good reason. either he's getting sick, or someone is being mean. but, i knew that this wasn't one of those things. it was the long weekend coupled with his remembering at the door that everyone "talks like this, mommy: shi shi shi sha yo"

his teacher was immediately at our side and shooed me away. i left willingly, but it didn't feel good. i picked him up earlier than usual, hoping that the episode was short lived. i was relieved to find that it had been. the teacher wrote in the daily report book they send home with him everyday that he'd only cried for a minute and otherwise had a great day.

this morning, he didn't cry, but there was a conversation in the car on the way over that made me feel just as sad. he said "let's go back to hawaii. i miss hawaii. i miss my park and my friends and my elevator." i tried to be upbeat and reminded him that we'd definitely go back as soon as daddy got back. it's just that daddy is going to take a long time before he gets back from helping people.

there was no answer from him.

he did go into his class willingly. but on the drive home i wondered if i had done the right thing by moving us here. i beat myself up about it for a couple of hours as i stopped at the mall to get a gift for a dear friend's birthday today. but on the drive back home, i consoled myself with the memories from this weekend. noah excitedly telling his halbee stories about his visit to the duck park with halmee, natalie actually reaching for her halmee (the first for her to reach for someone other than me), noah feeling upset on saturday morning when i announced that there was no school and his getting excited when he thought he spotted his teacher at a store (it wasn't her.)

i've written about it too much here already. it keeps going around and around. there were so many good things about sticking it out in hawaii, and there were so many good things about making our way here. i've decided so i must stop with the "what ifs" already.

and that part is settling in for me too. that we really are here for a whole year and not on some sort of vacation. we've now officially taken over two of the three bedrooms of my parent's home and the living room for the most part. i'm slowly taking over parts of the kitchen and when our car gets here, we'll take over a portion of the garage too, i guess.

we are still going strong with the skype. sometimes if i'm home alone and i just need an extra set of eyes, i'll turn that sucker on and demand that captain j call for me if noah starts to do something funny when he's in that room alone. i assume that captain j does his own thing on his end, glancing at the screen once in awhile. i even hear him trying to discipline noah. "noah, put that down." or "noah, get down from there before i count to five. one....two....three. thanks noah." it makes me smile. we joke that we should make it into a business. virtual dad for hire. he could monitor several homes at one time and interact with the kids like max headroom (do you remember him?) in any case, it works for now. i hope he lands in a place with great internet, because it would help so much to keep him in our lives visually this way.

finally, i guess i should talk about the haze i'm living in. i don't know what it is. when we first got here, i thought it was from exhaustion after the move. i keep expecting it to magically lift when i wake up in the morning. but so far, not so. my mind feels muddled and i feel tired all the time and i don't really have an appetite. i did occur to me yesterday that i might be pregnant. positive that this was the case, i got a home pregnancy test and breathed a huge sigh of relief (but i have to admit, i was a tiny bit disappointed) when the second line didn't show up.

i don't think it's any kind of depression. i'm not sad. i'm not teary or emotional. it's not just being able to think and move at the pace that i'm used to. and all i want to do is lie down and sleep and sleep. i want to sleep right now. it's irritating. i'm hoping that this week and next week will give me a chance to establish some kind of routine, and that will help me come out of it.

if you have found my posts really blah lately, blame the haze.

Day 11

trying to figure out what to indulge in

ooh. thanks so much for the tips and leads on the baking. this long weekend is killing me. i can't properly sit down and focus on it while noah, the most active boy in the universes who suddenly is not reliably napping (gah!), is home. i can't wait until tomorrow when i'll have some quiet while natalie is napping to really figure out how i'm going to go about this. you know, figuring out how much i'm going to spend on this new hobby, where to buy all the stuff i'll need, and what i'd like to start with. the main concern is the mixer. i've always wanted a kitchen aid. but they are so pricey. i'll have to check out costco and maybe the exchange.



i've also been unable to pull the trigger on buying the disneyland annual passes i thought i'd buy as soon as our feet hit the ground here. we've already made a trip there, but because of a connection that captain j's sister has with someone that works there we got in for free last time. i'm pretty sure we'll be visiting a lot. when we lived in san diego, i certainly used mine all the time. and when i lived here last with noah while captain j at his first training for a few months noah and i went there all the time. noah was just about 1 and i'd take him there to toddle around. i'd enter the park, set him down and we'd be off. there was lots of see, eat and there weren't any escalators. i lost a bunch of weight that summer.



but during this last visit things were different. we actually stand in lines for rides now. the brainwashing works on him now. when the ride empties us out into a store, he begs for things. it was still fun. just not so carefree.



plus, there's the natalie factor. as much as i'd like to think lightly of it, it's still will be a challenge to take both noah and natalie there by myself. what will i do with noah while i nurse natalie? what i will do with natalie when noah wants to go on a ride where he needs me to hold him, or one he may be right for, but she isn't.



so basically, i don't know if i'll end up getting the pass. we'll see. then again it would still be a fun way to get a good work out and something really fun to do together. i know. so indecisive. and i need to stop thinking online.



this afternoon we are carless. our car is going to take another 10 days or so to arrive and my parents needed both their cars today, so we're keeping ourselves entertained at home. it's the third day of a long weekend which means that there is a lot more tv watching. it's not an everyday thing so i'm letting noah indulge.



speaking of indulging, during the writing of this post, i've decided that my ultimate goals for this year of baking will be to bake the perfect everyday bread and to make a fresh creme cake topped with fresh fruit like the ones i indulge in every once in awhile a from Paris Baguette (i buy this cake every chance i get, but i don't have a closeup of one. this picture of my niece's birthday where i provided the cake was the best i could find. that cake was quite yummy) a couple blocks away from my parent's house (and did i mention that we're close to a pink berry too? i'm telling you, this is the stuff that matters when you're choosing a place to live.) it's my most favorite cake in the world. i love korean cakes because it's light and not too sweet. and the fresh creme and fresh fruit make this a tasty treat that doesn't leave you feeling heavy and full of richness. i think i could figure out the creme frosting. but it's the cake that is going to be difficult to duplicate. i think i'm going to have to go buy a cake today to help me figure it out. in fact, it'll probably take me several cakes before i can really figure out how to go about it. oh well. a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Day 9

when will i get to wear my pretty new sweaters?

it was absolutely warm and tank top weather today. seriously, i was out at a park in shorts and a tank top and it was still hot. what gives? i thought LA was a place where i'd be wearing pretty new sweaters right now. you are very very interesting, southern california. making me buy
winter clothes, and then making me unpack and wash all our "summer" clothes too.

then again, we had a great day out at a park i probably wouldn't have discovered until the spring. it was a big place with lots of green and space. my cousin who has a couple of girls around noah's age invited us there for a picnic. we found a HUGE playground near some water with fish and ducks....surrounded by sand, and all of that was surrounded by a beautiful green and clean park with lots of places to comfortably picnic.

noah ran around so much that he barely ate dinner and fell asleep at the table around 7, and has been out ever since. the baby went down around the same time, and i've been having a ball with my free month of HBO as i caught up on blogs. we will definitely go back there soon.

like, maybe on monday. noah's preschool will be closed for MLK Jr. day. which will actually disappoint noah. he got upset this morning that it was a "no school day". he said "but school is so fun!" when i told him that he wouldn't be going. that actually made me feel good because it tells me that he's having a good time there. whew.

i have embarked on what i'm considering my YEAR OF BAKING. originally, i wanted to learn how to make my own simple breads at home and also learn how to make korean dwen jang (miso). but my mom informed me that she did not want to help me make dwen jang, mostly because she doesn't think she has the proper tools here and also does not want to acquire the proper tools. whatever they are. but she did promise to help me pursue this goal during our stay in korea because there will be lots of the proper tools there. so, i started to think. gee, i'd like to make yummy cakes and cookies too.

unfortunately, i've already failed miserably twice. i've tried making loaves of wheat bread and although the second batch was better than the first....i still wouldn't actually serve any of it to anyone. all 4 loaves went in the trash. i've decided that i need the proper tools (because none of the measuring devices in a korean ummah's kitchen actually measures anything) and that it would be a worthwhile investment, even if i only use some of the stuff for the one year.

i've decided i need to start with the very best book out there about baking. preferably with lots of pictures and explanations. anyone have any ideas or leads for me? twood be much appreciated.

maybe i'll even finally get one of those kitchen aid mixers? would that be going too far? could i do the same with just a hand mixer?

as for captain j, he continues to be bored out of his mind somewhere in texas. but, bored is good. peaceful and boring is what we're aiming for this year.

Day 7

a lonely time for a little boy

it was heartbreaking to drop noah off at school today. it's not that he cries and refuses to go. he's always game for school. any kind of school. he walks in to whatever classroom with a smile and waves goodbye as long as there are toys and food is promised at some point. but he's certainly experiencing something quite different than at his preschool in hawaii.

when i asked him yesterday what he talks with his friends at school about on our way home in the car, there was a bit of silence and then he said "mommy, my new friends don't talk."

it's kind of funny because from his point of view, because they aren't speaking english, they are therefore unable to talk. but it was mostly sad for me. the statement came after i tried sneaking up on him on the playground because i wanted to observe him for a bit before i called out to him. while i was peeking around a corner, a little girl saw me, ran over to noah and ratted me out to noah. noah looked at her and didn't even wait for her to finish talking before looking away to continue to play whatever game he was playing alone. she kept tapping him and pointing in my direction saying "ummah, juh gi issuh!" (mommy is over there), but he acted like he was deaf or something. and this from a boy who was constantly surrounded by little friends, and claimed to have two or three best friends at all times......it was so sad. and amazing. until he started at his last school at two and a half, he was speaking mostly korean with me. i can't believe he lost it so completely, so quickly.

then it brought back memories of what it was like for me. when i started preschool, i could only speak and understand korean. i remember the shock on the first day of preschool. i was so excited to finally get to go to school too. but then the teacher leaned down and spoke some gibberish. i freaked. i couldn't believe my parents were going to abandon me with people who didn't know how to speak. but they did. and i remember the loneliness that followed. for months, i guess i didn't speak at school. the teachers held a conference and i think i was sent for a speech evaluation. i remember, sitting there not knowing what was going on, making up my own stories in my head for what everyone must be saying. then my memory skips over to me understanding and speaking english like everyone else. so i know he'll come out of this ok. i just hate that it's hard for him right now.

but he's a trooper. he hasn't really complained. he hasn't been acting out as much as i thought he would. but when he's at home, watch out. ALL he does is talk. it's like he saves everything up that he wants to say and says them in the hours that he's with me. sometimes it's just too much. but most of the time i try to understand and provide him with lots of convo time to make up for the silence during the rest of the day.

then again, his teachers do speak some english, and my teachers didn't speak any korean. but still. it must be hard for the little thing.

natalie on the other hand has quickly gotten used to being here and has added "hi!" while waving both hands madly to her vocabulary. with a large extended family here, there are lots of people to say HI to. that has been very nice.

captain j is spending his days out in texas getting vaccinated, standing in lines and eating mexican food. he's good, but lonely. especially with the long weekend coming up. he wishes he could come visit us but apparently the small pox vaccine can infect little children and babies with the small pox. that wouldn't be good. shucks.

Day 5

ikea and skype are awesome.

noah started preschool today. his korean only speaking preschool. when i dropped him off, he barely waved goodbye to me because he was completely taken with all the "new" toys. walking out though, i worried that once the songsengnim (teacher) informed him that he couldn't play with them when the time came for circle time in a language he kinda knew but didn't really, he'd get really upset. but nope. he did great. that makes ummah very happy.

this preschool sends a little booklet home with the child every day that rates how the child did in different areas like, sleeping, eating, playing with friends.....and then the teacher writes down details to give the parent a sense of how the day went.

noah got 4s (very goods) in all of the areas, but one. for sleeping, he got a 5 (excellent). then the teacher wrote that though it was his first day, and though he didn't understand what the teacher and most of his friends were saying, he followed along pretty well, he ate most of his food and had a great nap. she did note that he doesn't like gakkduggi (radish kimchi) that came with his lunch. can you believe he gets kimchi with his lunch? it just makes me giggle. he did eat all of his chicken, rice and fruit though. tomorrow for snack, they get dukbokki (stir fried spicy korean rice cakes). hahaha! i want to know if parents are allowed to show up for lunch and snack too because it sounds really good.

i spent the first day away from noah in a month mostly at ikea. i totally heart ikea. my parents came with me and they were amazed with it. we found a perfect bed for noah, a cabinet to help store our stuff, a cute highchair for natalie and a table and chair set for the play/computer room. we're only planning to use most of these things for a year, so it was nice to show up and see the ginormous SALE! sign above the door.

my dad whipped everything together during the afternoon and now noah is sleeping in his first big boy bed ever. besides having a place for our stuff, it makes me feel like i'm putting some sort of order back into his life. by making the spaces in this house our own i'm hoping to help him feel more secure. today when we turned into the driveway on our way back from his most excellent first day of school, noah said "this is our house!" instead of calling it halmee and halbee's house. so i think it may be working.

then right before dinner, we skyped with captain j. oh mah gaw. skype is AMAZING. seriously. it really made me feel like he was right there with us. we talked about our day as the kids rambled around the play side of our computer slash play room. he could see most of the room, so he saw noah running about and natalie quietly crawling around in her own lady like way. noah would pop over every once in awhile to tell his dad something, just like he would if he were there in person. seeing someone when you talk matters so much. we will probably do this lots. i'm curious to see when it will start feeling more like a real separation. we joked that we could maybe keep the skype on for most of the evening and do our whole dinner and bedtime routine in that room together. he on his end, and us on ours. then we remembered that it's something like a 13 hour difference when he does get to the middle east. but then, he could do dinner and we could do breakfast....or is it the other way around? but, you know what i mean. it could be fun. we could do a family meal a couple times a week or something. hopefully he'll end up somewhere with good enough internet to make that happen.

i'll probably write more here this year. just because it's a way to record something that i hope we won't have to go through again. hopefully, it'll be a quiet year full of boring posts about the new kinds of breads i'm baking and how much i hate sit ups. stuff i have still yet to think about because i'm still busy unpacking and getting things in order. now that noah is back at school though, i'm sure things will go faster.

Day 2

the countdown begins

today i saw captain j off at LAX. we spent our final day as a family at Disneyland. when i opened my eyes yesterday morning, i wondered if it would be better to spent a quiet day at home and whether it was foolish to go to such a energy sucking place where we might not be able to focus on being together.

but i'm glad we went. it was a beautiful, perfect day. a couple of very baby savvy friends tagged along, so captain j and i got to go on a ride by ourselves. we felt giddy, and held hands on the ride. this friend, and her guy did everything they could to watch for our needs and act before we needed to ask for help. it would have been a different day without their help. much more hectic. much more filled with meeting the needs of a leaping with excitement preschooler and a curious high maintenance baby. i am so thankful. (and that new toy story ride in the california adventures park is crazy awesome!)

then when we got home, everything seemed normal but it wasn't. our glances went on for a moment longer. when we laughed about something, my laugh went a little too long as i tried to savor the feeling of laughing with someone you love just so. and when we lay down to sleep, there was no hanky panky. but there was a bit of extra holding.

this morning was filled with the usual busyness that accompanies the time right before a trip. we picked up some supplies he needed, had a big yummy breakfast (just us), he got a haircut so that he was regulation and finally finished packing. then all to soon we were off at to the airport.

noah fell asleep on the way, but i woke him up when we got close. it's always been helpful to see the person actually get out of the car at the airport. if he doesn't, he has a tendency to think that they might not have actually gone. i was surprised by his maturity. he told his dad that it's "ok" that he won't see him for a long, long time. that he'll be good. i guess some of the stuff we've been telling him along the way got through a bit.

i got out of the car to help captain j with his bags. well not really, i held the cart so he could get his bags onto them. then i turned to him, kissed him, hugged him, wished him safe travels and got back in the car. i'm not one to cry. i didn't expect to cry, and he didn't expect me to cry. it would have been weird if i did. i think it's better and easier for him to see me strong and ok with what's to come. i wanted to leave him with an image of someone who's going to be fine while he's away.

noah and i waved from the car for as long as we could see him. then noah said "daddy is going far far away to work. that is so sad." he said this in the most pitiful voice. THAT made me tear up. we talked about how he was going to help people that really needed him and how if we wait awhile daddy will come back, all the way home.

part of me still can't believe i'm actually living through this time when i have a husband deployed and i'm living a year of waiting as the sole parent to my children. this part of me is very happy that i've decided to move here with my parents. then there's the part of me that really doesn't see anything special with this separation. there are lots of couples who have to spend some time apart for one reason or another. lots of korean families send their kids to study in america with the mom, while the dad stays back in korea to work. it's not a completely good thing, but it's not entirely extraordinary. this part thinks that i've made a very big deal out of nothing by carting myself and the babies all the way over here and interrupting the quiet lives of the people we love here.

for better or for worse though, it's begun. i'm almost done unpacking. noah starts school tomorrow. and off we go.

so far, so good.

Day 1

out of the office....

we will be internetless for the next few days. i also plan to keep away from cyberworld until captain j is gone. we have some of his family visiting us as soon as we get to southern california, and we have a trip to disneyland planned over the weekend. it'll be fun. it'll be sad. it'll be ok.

see you on the other side. =)

accepting 2009

i'm there.

i'm finally ok with what's happening and butt is officially in gear.

until a few days ago i was in a haze of denial. i wrote lists on what i needed to get done, and i'd halfheartedly complete one or two things before i conveniently lost the list. and then i'd have to make an effort to write yet another list that wouldn't get looked at for days. it was easier just to slide into the holidays and sit in front of the tv when the kids were asleep at night eating whatever cake or pie i had in the fridge. or spend time making cake or pie, just because. or shopping. i believe in retail therapy, and found myself self medicating quite often during the days after christmas. i knew what i was doing, but i kept heading out to the mall with the excuse that i just needed to walk around. then i'd find myself in a store with a sales rack and the next thing i know, i'm in the car with bags in the trunk feeling a lot better. then again, the kids and i did need winter clothes. we are still in shorts and tank tops over here. so i guess i was just really doing a good job with one of the things to do on my list.

one morning, i tied my hair back and told myself that i will just get one closet done. when the military moves you from one post to another, it's great because they'll send people over to pack up all your stuff for you for the move (as mama nabi reminded me about what was so nice about the last move we made). but it's assumed that i'm staying here during captain j's deployment :( , which means that this move is all on our own. it's actually not too bad because we're just leaving the place as is. my brother is going to move in, so we don't really need to get rid of or move any furniture. we just need to make room for him and his wife here and there. which means sorting into four piles, everything we have, other than furniture. 1. stuff we're taking with us to california 2. stuff we don't want anymore, but is in good enough condition to donate 3. stuff that should be thrown away and 4. stuff that we're just going to organize and leave here for when we get back.

as our moving boxes, suitcases, donation bins, trash bags and storage boxes got filled, the shell i created for myself started to peel away. i discovered that i was sad. but not so sad. the year apart won't be easy but i KNOW i'll be ok. i have help with the kids, i'll have people around, and with the advances in technology, i'm sure i'll get to talk to captain j often. i can't change this. it's what has to be.

so.

ok.

since that first closet, i've moved onto whole rooms and more closets. our place isn't that big, so that sounds like a greater feat than it is. but still. it's getting done and the time is whipping by. i feel like i'm playing catch up because i let things go for awhile. like, we should have totally shipped our car by now. but with the holidays involved, that's not happening until the day before we leave. ah well. we'll rent a car for the bit that captain j is there with us, and stay home a bit more until our car does get there. no big deal.

what IS a big deal to me right now is noah's preschool. i know. again? i don't think i've written here that THE school, the coveted one called to say they have a spot in january. which means that the other school with the english class i was planning to send him to is NOT the school i'm planning to send him to anymore. the current decided upon school is a school taught in korean, and doesn't have an english speaking class. i think they work some english in for half the day in the 4 year old's classes, but noah's class will be entirely in korean. back when i was searching for preschools there for him, i worried that the whole move would be too much and that i shouldn't add a whole new language into the mix. but then i noticed how little korean he understands now. this from a kid who conversed almost entirely in korean until he started preschool. it made me sad.

when the spot came up at the most highly recommended preschool, which was also the closest preschool to where we'd be living, i realized that it might actually be a good thing for him to be immersed in korean NOW. it'd be like a shot in the arm. painful for a bit, but really beneficial for him in the long run. it was also a big deal that my cousins sent their kids their and i'd already have people i knew there who could show me the ropes for things like what to send for field trip lunches, or what the teachers expect for christmas gifts, or who best to butter up with compliments. you know, stuff that makes your life as a preschool parent that much easier.

i expect extra tantrums and tears at first. it's going to be hard for the little guy. he's living in a different state where you actually have to wear coats to go out (well, it's orange county, so maybe just when it gets dark?) and his daddy just left for a really long time AND he doesn't understand anyone or anything at school. can you imagine? but i think if i go into this knowing that it would be very natural for noah easily fall into pieces in the early part of our move, and i apply some good strategy of helping him work out his feelings like i've been reading up on, then it might be ok. and i have this secret hope that i'm just getting worked up for nothing and that noah will take to korean like it's been locked in a vault inside of him and all he had to do was simply open the door and he'll be speaking and comprehending within days. but since i told you that secret wish, it's probably not going to come true. but even if it doesn't and it ends up being really hard, you know what? i can always search for an english speaking preschool and change schools again to make things all better if i need to. and for goodness sakes, it's PRESCHOOL. i can keep him home all day with me if things get too bad, you know?

so you see, even my BIG problem, isn't that bad right now. it's all good. 2009, i welcome you with open arms.

some things i want to do this year (aka, my resolutions):

1. try my best to get rid of my mummy tummy (is the muffin top worse with moms who had c sections? grrr)

2. learn how to make my own dwen jang (korean miso) from scratch.

3. learn how to make 2 more kinds of kimchi.

4. grow a vegetable garden in my parent's back yard and eat yummy things from it. (i've been dying to have a garden, but when you live in a condo it's kind of hard. yay for an actual yard!)

5. bake my own bread. lots of different kinds. (although fresh baked bread all the time might make resolution #1 that much more difficult....)

um, that's all i have so far. with two kids, and two korean parents and the in laws that much closer to contend with, i think those will keep my plate full for awhile. we have 5 more days in this beautiful place where i've seen a rainbow every single day since i made my decision to leave for the year. i am furiously making lunch dates with friends to say goodbye, and eating the stuff i can't get anywhere else. zippy's saimin, liliha coco puffs, waipuna sushi, manapuas from island manapua factory, spicy cajun fettuccine with oriental chicken salad from ryan's grill, meat jun from gina's, portuguese sausage eggs and rice, malasadas, hawaiian sun drinks....and the list goes on and on.

oh, and thank you all for your warm words of encouragement, support and hope. i remember every one. they helped to get to this peace. i hope everyone else is enjoying a very happy new year too. and i wish you and your family heaps of happiness and good health.