confession time

putting myself out there like this on a blog has been a challenge for me. i like to think of myself as a frank and transparent person. what you see is what you get. i secretly think i'm too dumb to actually have some sort of secret plan or agenda when i'm dealing with people. at the same time though, i have a pretty korean side. and being asian in general means that you're taught to keep your thoughts inside, don't air dirty laundry and above all, don't make waves. i not only grew up in an asian family, but the culture i lived in growing up in Hawaii had an huge asian influence. which is probably why you won't find many bloggers from hawaii. believe me. i tried. the bloggers i did meet up with, or contact who were writing from hawaii were people originally from the mainland where the culture is more about "here's my life. deal." (i dunno, if you are from hawaii, born and raised, and blog, PLEASE do contact me because i already like you!)

this inner conflict means that although i share my life with you, i don't. there are parts i've been keeping to myself, mostly because it could cause controversy or it could disappoint. but after a few years of sharing my life here, it's hard for me to continue unless i let you in on some of the stuff i hold closer to my chest. it's either that or stop. i've decided to keep going, but i do so telling myself that i can always go back and delete these posts if it just makes me too uncomfortable that this stuff is out there.

so here are my confessions in no particular order:

1. i am a Christian. full on, born again, Christ resurrection believing, bible reading, daily praying Christian. i accepted christ at 12, and spent some time in college really soul searching about whether it's what i really believe or not. i decided it HAD to be the truth and haven't looked back since. there is a God, he loves us and this life is not the only life there is. there is an eternity that makes this life look like a mere speck in time, and that eternity is what i hope i am investing in.

2. BUT, i am not your typical Christian. this is a confession to friends i know through one church or another. and who knows how it will be taken. but i don't necessarily believe everything preached from the pulpit. i guess you could call me a liberal christian. i don't know if the bible is to be believed literally and completely and without error. i also support gay marriages (and even think there's nothing wrong with being gay. the whole point is that God wants us in a loving, monogamous relationship, not who we sleep with or maybe "when" we do it), that abortion is OK in some cases, that helping the poor eat is more important than making someone accept Christ, and that the way i relate to Christ and God is in a western frame that someone from another culture may not understand and that God knows this and might have revealed himself in some other way so that culture CAN understand and find the path to him. Christ came to prove Love, not Law.

3. i read a lot. two or three books at a time, all the time. even through law school. i read everyone and everything. but my favorite author is.... Stephen King. i've read everything he's written, and think that he's a really good writer. few are able to tell a really good story like him.

4. i have a secret fear that i might have gone to law school for nothing. although i hope to make a difference in the juvenile court system some day, being home with my children and caring for my family is so delicious right now that i don't want to even think about how to start achieving that goal.

5. i don't really listen to music anymore. at all. i know that's not cool. everyone cool listens to lots of good music. but it's just one area that doesn't interest me right now.

6. i'm not going to church right now. it's the first time in my life. i visited my parent's church a few times when we first got here, but with two little ones and having to get dressed up and the english service and korean services not matching up, it just got to be too much of a juggle during an already stressful time. so. i had it out with God and now I am at peace with not attending worship this year.

7. i was a cheerleader in high school. but i was really bad at it. i don't know why they let me on the squad, actually. and it didn't mean i was popular. honestly, the part i liked best about it was getting to wear the uniform to school on game day and finally feeling like i found a role at school. yes, so high school.

8. i want to have one more baby. but i realize that i'd be doing it for myself. if i am to put the babies i already have first, i know i shouldn't have anymore because i want to provide them with the best, which includes a private school education (hopefully my alma mater) that i wouldn't be able to afford three times, not to mention the lessons, trips, clothes and all sorts of experiences. or my time for that matter. i'm already stretched thin trying to "be there" for both and still have some sort of life for myself. i've decided to be thankful for the two i have and try to do the best i can by them.

9. my favorite food in the whole wide world is movie popcorn. with lots and lots of that fake butter. and a large icy cold coca cola. mmm mmm mmm. so bad for you, but oh so good. it's what i miss most as a mom because i don't go to that many movies anymore. i don't care what we watch as long as i have that bag of popcorn and coke in my lap when the lights go down. but that doesn't happen that often any more. i took natalie by myself when she was really little and could sleep through that kind of noise, but now that she's mobile there's no way. and it's not the same if you bring it home. i know, i tried. which means i should also confess i'm not really a healthy eater. i eat mostly korean food, which is mostly healthy. and i am allergic to msg, so all the food i make tends to be msg and nitrate free. but i eat donuts, cupcakes, and fast food whenever i want to. if it weren't for korean food, i'd be 500 pounds by now. i'm sure at some point i'll either have to stop eating this way, or just accept that fact that my kids will eat like me too once they figure out that snicker bars and cokes aren't "spicy" like i've been telling them.

10. i was a speech therapist before law school. i worked mostly with babies in the zero to three early intervention program. but i also had a soft place for children with autism and held a special discrete trial training certificate. when my babies were born, i had an intense fear that they might develop autism because in the community that helps kids with disabilities, there's sort of almost an urban legend that we have more children who are disabled because we are parents who can handle that sort of thing and in a sense, God gave them to us knowing this. There's also a sense that it would be something that i'd have to personally experience someday after watching so many other parents deal with it. so i watched for signs like a hawk and breathed a sigh of relief each time they reached their first birthday without signs. i was really able to shake the fear when noah turned 3 without incident. i'll probably watch natalie until then too, but for now, it looks like all is well.

11. i have in law issues. sigh. but, i think if you are korean or married to one, it's almost a given that you will have in law issues. sigh.

12. i feel extreme guilt right now, instead of the intense fear for my husband as some might expect. i'm almost positive that he'll be ok, so i don't worry about him as much as i thought i would. although, i do find myself turning the channel when the news comes on when i was an avid news watcher in the past. i feel guilt because while he's over there, i'm here living really comfortably right now. my parents are a big help, i have several hours during most days when natalie is napping and noah is at school to surf the web and watch korean dramas, and i'm responsible for only half the housework, which doesn't including cleaning much because we have cleaners come every other week. i am almost FORCED to take it easy and relax at home because i don't have a license to work in california. i am enjoying my time, but with lots of guilt. as penance, i've opened a korean type savings account at a korean bank here where i MUST put more than half of our income (or pay a fee if i break the agreement) so that we can have lots of money saved up at the end of all of this. the guilt would be so much worse if i were to go on spending sprees all the time, which i could so easily do if i had the money.

whew. i think that's most of what i've always wanted to say here about myself, but kept myself from saying for fear of how i may be judged. it would be interesting to know if any of my confessions changed how you see me now....even if it meant i disappointed you. i think that i've been in this blog world long enough to have develop the needed extra layer of skin to know that i really can remember the comments that resonate with me and leave behind the comments or posts that upset me.

what about you. got any confessions of your own?

*and blogger, again with the not letting me separate paragraphs for the second half of my post? annoying.

looking forward to spring

i haven't really lived in four season weather. ever. hawaii has maybe two seasons. i say "maybe" because really, only people who grew up there can detect it. it gets like 4 degrees cooler and warmer. (yes, i know it's been a freakish year over there in aloha land and really cold. we get those every 20 years or so. but in general, i mean.) so when i read blogs written by people living in chicago or michigan, i'd wonder why the posts took on a tone of desperation for the cold to stop already. and now i kinda know.

it hasn't been really cold here. i'm disappointed because really, with being a mom and not EVER being out and about after 8pm, i've only worn my pretty pretty pea coat once. sigh. it hangs there and mocks me at the life i could be having in it.

at the same time though, i've been wearing my two pairs of jeans and three long sleeve shirt for days on end now. i keep resisting the urge to increase my warm wardrobe because it's march now and doesn't that meant we will be back to t shirts and shorts soon? i have lots and lots of those.

yesterday i was alone with the two munchkins for most of the day. for some reason, this mad disgust at the thought of staying inside all day again took me over. but when i stepped outside, it was cold and gray and everything was just a bit damp. the only place to go around here on such a day would be the bookstore or chuck e cheese (hate). i guess we could have gone to a park but natty is at the age now where she was DOWN! NOW! EVEN IF I CAN'T WALK MUCH, SO I CAN CRAWL AROUND AND PICK UP OLD CIGARETTE BUTTS AND EAT THEM! while Noah is constantly calling "Ummah! watch me! come and help me get down! i can't get up there unless you lift me!" which is fine sometimes, but for some reason, not yesterday.

so i loaded the kids in the car, because it was just something to do at that moment. and i drove, trying to figure out a place to go.

we ended up at Lowes. yes, a hardware store. mostly because they had a bunch of flowers and plants displayed out front. i loaded both into a cart and we wandered around the nursery talking about plants and flowers. then, inspiration! oh my gosh. we have a YARD now. we actually can do stuff in it besides kick a ball around or water the grass.

i asked noah if he wanted to plant a garden. we picked out a few things he'd want to grow (tomatoes, strawberries) and then wandered over to the seeds rack. he decided that watermelons might be fun to grow. i wondered if they would ever really grow into watermelons, but thought we'd give it a go. then, i noticed some hummingbird feeders and got excited about those. i held one up and explained what it was for. noah has been really into birds and eggs, and the whole nest making and hatching (his one wish right now is to find a nest with eggs and take one and hatch it himself). on mys, you should have seen the look of excitement on his face when he realized there was a way to make the birds come to him.

and then we happened on a birdhouse kit. and he jumped up and down clapping like i would if i ever hit the jackpot on the wheel of fortune machine at ceasar's palace.

the birdhouse is hanging up right now, and being checked hourly for a nest with eggs. the plants have been planted and is being checked every half hour for tomatoes and strawberries and watermelons. so, even though we aren't coming out from a cold hard winter or anything, i know now what it's like to look expectantly ahead to warmer days.

come on spring. we're all ready for you.

Day 64

orange county makes throwing a dol easy cheesy

natty's first birthday looks like it was a big deal, but i swear it wasn't. there are so many koreans who live here that there are business that JUST set things up for dol parties and thrive. i did everything on my own for noah's dol and was running around the whole week before. i don't even remember the actual day when i started preparing and decorating at dawn. this time, i got gussied up and showed up to eat. and it looked way better than anything i could have ever done. and it was cheaper. gawd, i love the korean competition here.
as you can see, i didn't pick the traditional dol table set up. i wanted something different, and it's apparently a trend to do it differently these days because the party planner got what i wanted right away. the dduk is still there, just on silver things that usually hold tea sandwiches, i think. and the fruit is set up differently too.






dol pictures are a big deal too.  there's usually a studio session, and then the photographer comes to the party to capture the moments, sort of wedding style.  i splurged on noah's first birthday pictures and i never regretted it. this time i probably spent half the amount because of all the new photographers that have opened shop in town.  i was REALLY happy with how natty's pictures turned out too, and these images that welcomed the guests to the party will hang next to a similar set up of noah's pictures on our wall.

a korean event is never complete without dduk.  since we had a large cake, we used the dduk as the favors.

 one of the traditions and really fun part of a child's first birthday party is an event where you set up a bunch of objects in front of the baby and wait to see which one they reach for and pick up.  the object they choose is supposed to determine what they'll turn out to be.  the standard objects these days are pencil (scholar), microphone (performer), money (wealthy), string (long life), and stethoscope (doctor).  the picture shows how to make the already fun event, funner.  we gave each guest a ticket.  they tore off the small part of the ticket and put it into the cup with the label for the object that they thought natty would end of choosing.  once she chose the object, let's say she chose the pencil, then natty would choose three stubs from the pencil cup and those three people got some really cool prizes.  i must say it turned the whole thing into a rowdy, almost horse race like event.  but natty coolly ignored all the please to reach for one object or another and snatched up that crisp hundred dollar bill like nobody's business.  i had to pry it out of her hand later.  noah picked money too at his party.  which means that i obviously don't have to save for retirement because my two kiddos will be rolling in the green stuff enough to supply their mother with what she needs.

all in all it was a good time.  the food was really great, the party itself was small but filled with the company of amazing and loved people.  the only bad spot was that captain j wasn't there.   he called later that night to ask how things went and sung his daughter the happy birthday song over the phone.  she listened intently and then clapped for him at the end.  i took heart knowing that next year, when she'll know better what the day means, he will be here in person to sing to her. 

Day 53